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Story Notes: Purposefully written as all dialogue and no narration as an answer to a challenge.

“Alright, Major. Before we remove your implant, I must ask a few questions.”

“What kind of questions?”

“Just some basic medical questions. To update your records. You've not been here for some time.”

“C'mon, Julian, can't we just skip this part? I have to get back to Ops.”

“I'm sorry, Major, but it is standard medical procedure.”

“Of course it is. Let's gather some more Starfleet-required, useless information that is nothing but a waste of file space, choking up the Computer's memory core.”

“If you want the implant out, Nerys, we have to go through this.”

“Ugh, fine!...Ask your questions.”

“Computer, begin recording. Copy patient audio responses to basic medical questionnaire...Major, for the record, please state your name.”

“For the ever-loving record, I am Kira Nerys.”

“Age?”

“Old enough.”

“Weight?”

“Sixty-one kilograms.”

“Height?”

“One hundred seventy-one centimeters.”

“Occupation?”

“Hazardous.”

“Major, if you're not going to take this seriously, I can't get this over with, and move on to why you're really here.”

“Are you gonna tell me my job isn't hazardous, Julian?”

“....Actually, no. I'm not. That is a fair answer, and I stand corrected...Computer, the patient's occupation is hazardous, for the record. Are you allergic to any medications?”

“Not that I know of.”

“Any current medical conditions?”

“You know there's nothing wrong with me. You're my doctor.”

“I still have to ask, Nerys.”

“Fine...No, no current medical conditions.”

“Any dizziness or trouble with your vision?”

“No.”

“Hearing loss?”

“No.”

“Shortness of breath?”

“No!"

“Any muscle pain? Cramps, spasms, or issues with fine motor skills?”

“No, no and no! Julian, how many of these questions are there?”

“Just a few more...Any raised, clustered, fluid-filled lesions on the skin, headaches or hallucinations, accompanied by fever, vomiting, delusions of grandeur and a craving for sweets?”

“What the hell kind of questions are those?”

“Screens for the Barian flu. Very contagious. Very dangerous. Any of those?”

“Uh, no.”

“Good... Now, these next questions are gynecological.”

“Bring it on.”

“When was your last menstrual cycle?”

“Ten?...No, more like fifteen years ago.”

“You've had your implant that long?”

“Yes.”

“Any side effects from the implant when it was placed?”

“Not that I remember.”

“Are you currently experiencing any pelvic pain or discomfort?”

“No.”

“Are you currently sexually active?”

“Well, duh.”

“The Computer doesn't recognize 'duh' as an answer, Major. For the record, are you currently sexually active?”

“For the record, I think it's none of the Computer's business, or yours, but yes, I am.”

“On average, how many times per week do you have sexual intercourse?”

“Let's see...Times three...carry the two....minus the one....I'd say at least twelve.”

“Really, Major, that is enough. The real answer, please. You're wasting my time, and yours.”

“That is the real answer.”

“You're serious?...Twelve is the average times per week you have sexual intercourse?”

“Give or take a time or two.”

“Forgive me, Major, but is that all with one partner?...OUCH! Do not punch your doctor! I'm asking a valid medical question!”

“Of course one partner! And for the record, before you ask, my partner is Odo.”

“Have you two always been this active?”

“No, not until the last couple of months. Since he got turned into a human, Odo can't seem to keep his hands off of me.”

“Well, I can certainly sympathize with his plight...Ow! Nerys! Don't kick your doctor, either!"

"Then my doctor better watch his mouth!"

"I only meant, Major, that the Founders, in their misguided wisdom, made your partner very young physiologically. About eighteen in human years, not an easy age for a man...Sometimes I think they knew precisely what they were doing to him, and added insult to his injury.”

“Odo never told me that...That does explain some things.”

“Like the weight you've lost since your last physical?”

“Odo and I meet for lunch every day. We never seem to get around to the actual lunch part.”

“Stop skipping meals, Major. You're heading towards underweight, which is counterproductive to what we're trying to do here. Are you tolerating all of this...attention Odo's giving you?”

“Physically, you mean?...Tolerate is not the word I'd use, Doctor. I'd use a much nicer one....Why? Are we abnormal in some way? I've never been with a human before, and I didn't know what to expect.”

“Well, abnormal is not the term I would use, Major. Not average, certainly, but not abnormal. Nothing to worry about, as long as you're both happy. For the record, I'd say the patient enjoys a very healthy sex life.”

“For the record, the patient concurs.”

“Now, as for the implant. I will be removing it with a micro-transporter. You shouldn't feel a thing. You can expect your cycles to resume within two weeks, with some irregularity at first. If you experience pain beyond your tolerance, or excessive bleeding, come see me immediately....You need to understand that the actual restoration of fertility is unpredictable. I've never been able to get Cardassian medical to cough up any information on the implant itself. Classified military information, they said, released only at request of the Order. I have, however, removed several of these implants from other Bajoran women, and recovery seems to be on a patient-by-patient basis, but eventually they have all healed. It just takes time.”

“How long?”

“Anywhere from one month to one year. You can, however, be injected with a drug that will stimulate ovulation, and make the process faster.”

“Side effects?”

“Loads.”

“No thanks. I think I'll leave that part up to the Prophets.”

“I thought you'd prefer the natural route. But since you are Bajoran, all those lunches you and Odo have should speed the process along. Bajoran women, as you know, become more fertile when they're pair bonded...Do you have any other questions, Major?”

“For the record?”

“No, just for.”

“Then no, Doctor. Let's get this over with.”

“Lay back for me, Major...This is the device I'll use to remove the implant, just a quick pass over the abdomen and we'll be done...Try to relax. As I said, you won't feel a thing....There. Finished.”

“That's it?”

“That's it.”

“I can have a baby now?”

“You can have a baby now. And you can also sit up.”

“Am I allowed to hug my doctor?”

“Of course you are.”

“Thank you, Julian...Thank you so much.”

“No thanks necessary, Nerys. This is why I became a doctor. To help save lives, and, in some cases, to help make them. And, for the record, I wish you and Odo all the best.”

 



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