Date: 29 Jun 2012 15:10 Title: Chapter 1
Interesting, my story, Ninety Nine Percent, was originally named The True Way. I have the True Way resorting to piracy to fund their operations. Looks like I will be reading more of your stuff.
Author's Response: Glad you enjoy the beginning so far... while keeping in mind that this is only a first draft with a revision on the way later to come.
Date: 29 May 2011 17:17 Title: Chapter 11
This is a good story, but I think you pack in to much into it. It's a clever and complicated story I'll give you that, but somehow it feels hollow. We have about a dozen important characters, each with their own motives, and you cycle through them at a dizzying pace.
I don't know why but I get the feeling that so many of these characters (secondary ones) are simply here to push the plot forwards, and you don't really get a sense of why they're here and what their motives are. If you made the story longer, perhaps all of this action and the plot wouldn't feel so rushed.
It is a very complicated story, with dozens of connections between the characters. But I think it's to complicated, to the point where the distinctiveness of the characters was lost.
Take the scene with Limis, and Revok forcing her to give the Defiant's cloaking frequency. You revealed a vulnerable side to Limis, and for a brief moment the story became a lot more interesting. Limis is faced with this horrendous choice, just as your thinking about what she is going to do, the plot moves on and she makes her decision. For some reason this reduces the magnitude of her decision, but if you had explained in more detail Limis's dilemma and conflicting interests it would been more interesting. Of course it would have slowed the story's pace, but it would have added depth to the story.
I guess the problem I have with this story is the shallow amount of depth. As I read through the chapters, I realised that this wasn't one story, this was several stories all compressed into one story. Even after reading through it once, I saw so many points where it could be expanded.
Another issue was the story perspective, sometimes it got confusing. For instance when Revok was attacking the Defiant, the story suddenly switched from Revok's perspective to the Defiant's, and vice versa. Perhaps if you clearly separated the two perspectives it would be more clear.
To sum up your method of story writing has given me much to think about concerning the bias towards story pace and story depth. I also believe that if this story was expanded it would truly become a tale of mystery, intrigue and action.
Author's Response: Glad it is still appealing despite it's fast pace. I admit that it does have its flaws in terms of a number of deus ex machina resolutions such as being fully prepared for the Cardassians to try to seize the station. Like I've said before, this is one of my first tries at fan-fiction writing. I may look into expanding the narrative when Lambda Paz gets to 2376. Not a complete overhaul, but an expansion of various plot points and characters in order to account for character arcs continued in this stories sequel from Ro's relationship with the acting CMO to Sisko's return from his time with the prophets.
Date: 27 May 2011 13:16 Title: Interlude: Flashback 2
Ho ho, nice, very nice, linking the True Way to Dukat's decision to join forces with the Dominion. Of course is the Dominion still backing the True Way? Very clever...
Author's Response: I was one of those disappointed that the True Way wasn't depicted more often in canon. I got to thinking that the True Way might have had some role in overthrowing the civilian government. The True Way in this story is very similar to Hezbollah. They're not just disgruntled civilians causing trouble, but have support within the Lebanese government and military.
Date: 25 May 2011 17:08 Title: Chapter 3
Alright so Ronnick's employer is a member of the True Way... cool. Four things (minor and major) that irked me:
1. In the first scene; there was an airship!?! Mid 21st century and nations/factions use airships?
2. Desert Storm; are you referring to the First Gulf war?
3. 'Though Ezri had accumulated much of Jadzia’s knowledge and memories when the slug like creature known as Dax had been transferred from the now deceased Jadzia Idaris to Ezri Tigan, she was not as familiar as her predecessor host with Earth history.'
What? But Ezri has Jadzia's memories, wouldn't she have a similar familiarity with Earth history? Unless of course it is the result of the binding of Dax and Ezri...
4. Magnaulty's response after Marquez dies. If Magnaulty knows that Marquez was killed by something in the open panel, then logically Magnaulty would give that a panel a wide berth. Marquez was an engineer and if he biffed it from some kind of fault in the open panel, then why would Magnaulty with limited knowledge in engineering attempt to find the fault which is highly dangerous? Either Magnaulty is a complete idiot or common sense has just been thrown out of the airlock.
Please feel free to review my stories with an equally critical focus, it will help me find any plot flaws or other mistakes.
Author's Response: Not the True Way, but a group connected with the True Way. As for possible flaws, this story one of my first forays into fan-fiction writing, I may eventually smooth some of them. 1. "Airship" is actually a general term in the 24th century for any aircraft, even present day military aircraft. 2. Yes, Desert Storm is reference to the first Gulf War. 3. As for Ezri, remember, she hadn't planned on being joined, so reconciling the duality between host and symbiont might be a more difficult process. From what was established in canon, each host mostly lives their own lives rather than just continuations of previous host's lives. This story later illustrates a duality in Ezri's perceptions of friends and colleagues, as both her oldest and dearest friends and people she's known for only a year and a half. 4. In my observation, redshirts (or yellow-shirts in the TNG era) don't always appear very smart. Two examples I've noticed were the redshirts the Nomad probe vaporized in "The Changeling" and "Heart of Glory" where the guard who kills one of the Klingons just stands there and lets himself get shot by the other Klingon.
Date: 24 May 2011 04:54 Title: Interlude: Flashback One
Nice linkage of various episodes and storylines from the fourth season of DS9. One thing I don't get is why Revok decided to use terrorism and the measures used by the Bajorans. Unless he and Dukat had some sort of master plan to deal a Federation a crippling blow...
Author's Response: Just that Cardassians often prefer to be a little more subtle like smuggling weapons into the DMZ through third parties or, in this case, Revok using the True Way to commit acts of terrorism so not to risk jeopardizing the peace treaty with the Federation even if as, Dukat says in this chapter, that Cardassians don't resort to terrorism.
Date: 16 May 2011 17:43 Title: Chapter 1
An interesting story, two Bajoran brothers who are up to there ears in religious fundamentalism and terrorism, are clearly up to no good...
The part I don't like is Ro. This isn't anything personal, but quite a few fan fic stories like to add in Ro. If Ro wasn't killed by the Cardassians or the Jem'Hader, then she more than likely captured by the Federation and would spend a long time in a penal colony.
Aside from Ro (and I'm not complaining about her as a character, but more from a plot continuity point) this is a good introduction to the story.
Author's Response: If one subscribes to the Star Trek: Online continuity, then yes, Ro did do time in a penal colony. But who knows what became of the surviving Maquis, especially the ones Sisko rescued from the Badlands? (One of my other series does feature some of Eddington's colleagues.) Glad you enjoyed the scene with the Bajoran religious fundamentalism. That would have made for interesting story premises had DS9 still been on at the time of 9-11.