Date: 29 Dec 2019 16:32 Title: Chapter 3
The beginning is some hella satire, I gotta say. I was dead chuffed to read this in a Trekfic. LOL! It's so very capitalist, you know? And oh, man, sewage hauling? After a nose bashing? Will's in so much trouble. If he didn't get out of here, he was going to drown in the waste of a bunch of oligarchs and their toadies. Fantastic line. I love it when class consciousness makes it into a Trek universe fic.
I also like how you give back a sense of scope. Distances seem so curtailed in universe because of speed, but space really IS huge and Will's right, he is very tiny in all that.
And oh, sheesh, I can see why Will was so uneasy in that last section. That there's some coercive crap. >.
Author's Response: Thank you very much for the lovely feedback! The unimaginable vastness of space is one of my favorite things to explore in SF fic, both as a writer and a reader, and I'm really pleased that you liked that part.
Date: 15 Dec 2019 11:32 Title: Chapter 2
Hey, Will, don't feel too bad. Needs must and all that. It's perfectly understandable that he'd be thinking of his friends at a time like this, since they might be his only hope of getting out of this situation alive!
The ladder almost seems too good to be true. Like a test or a trap. And oof, with the gravity shenanigans and a single random control panel, it definitely adds to the impression that he's being toyed with.
Holy crap, they actually install chips in their brains? That is-- yes, actually, so beyond creepy. I'm with Will on that one. And like-- there's something that kinda seems almost imperialistic about it, too, though I can't for sure say why. What happens if a Starfleet officer refuses? I mean, does that then limit their duty-assignments?
Love the worldbuilding re: the Vulcan software. That's some brilliant stuff right there. Really grounds that world in relation to our own, which is no mean feat considering. And his determination and kinda 'why not, what the hell?' attitude about possibly hacking the ships systems using that software.
Great work broadening the representation in the next section. Will seems like he's kind of burning out some, just given his complaints. Which, the kid was basically raising himself, it's not too surprising. His complaints are all very human, too; not really knowing where to fit or how, especially when he'd been hyping it up in his mind as being this thing that was finally his. Love the tie-in to the earlier part of the chapter there, too! Great work!
Date: 14 Dec 2019 19:10 Title: Chapter 1
Thoughts as I read:
Wow, your author notes don't screw around. Nice! Normally I wouldn't comment on an author's notes, but these jumped out at me as being kinda awesome. XD
Will's disorientation is really well done. His immediate need to speak aloud to himself even after getting no answer to his call is super relatable. It might not actually like-- remove the terror of being alone, but it seems to kind of help hold it at bay some. Talk about a lousy situation to wake up in, sheesh! I really love the dystopian feel of Endicor you put down, too; like, so much of TNG presents itself as being utopian, but you're showing the other side and I always appreciate when authors do that.
Phasers were counter to the ethos of the FAMC, and no one had expected to be in any danger on a supply drop. OMG. Like-- I get and applaud the idealism, but with a murder rate that high, you'd think you'd at least arm critical staff! OTOH, Will's reasoning as to why it was a good thing he wasn't seems perfectly sound. Very cool how he methodically cases that space he's stuck in, too.
Solitary really is cruel. And even worse when you're already battered and now being left to wither away like that. I can't even imagine how awful waking up had to feel for him.
"You're a competent kid," Dad said. "You'll be fine without me." Wow. Ugh. Damn, Kyle, way to win Non-Dad of the Year. You weren't kidding in your notes!
And then-- oh man. Poor baby!Will. Well, not baby, but teenager. (My oldest is only a year younger than him as of this date!) You really nail the internal narrative OF a teenager, too. Like-- I've got this, except, you know, I'm scared, but I'm too mature to show how scared I am, so let me ask for help in the least obtrusive way possible. Such a teenager thing to do. AND YES, KYLE, ABANDONING YOUR KID IS A BIG DEAL WTF.
I really like how he's wrestling with how to respond to Guillermo, too. I mean, very realistic. And the whole quip about scrubbing floors. The proposed solution to the problem is downright fascinating, versus the modern context. But honestly, when you've got someone who's got their crap together as well as Will does, it's not actually too bad an idea. He seems to have his head on as straight as his young age allows, so that's a pretty good compromise. And certainly better than Dubai. The psychiatrist and the social work both seem really smart, too.
Something sharp twisted in his gut, but he said, "Roots are for trees. I'm comfortable wherever."
Guillermo sighed. "This is what worries me."
Oof. But fantastic chapter closer.