Date: 13 Jul 2020 15:07 Title: Part 2 - Shattered: 2
This seems like a far more subtle and nuanced Lif Culsten than the two we've gotten to know. That is a really interesting feature. I'm interested to see how Lif prime is affected by exposure to alternative Lifs...
You have definitely outdone me in the destructiveness area - I have a character order the destruction of a world, but you've got an entire universe going up in smoke... Wish I had thought of that...
It looks like this timeline Federation hasn't fared so well.
Date: 13 Jul 2020 15:02 Title: Part 2 - Shattered: 2
Two odd word choices. I will submit an additional review so you can delete this one:
First Pp - I think you meant "shortage" instead of "shortcomings." Shortcomings is also true in that context, but it's a bit weird and could sidetrack your reader.
Pp near the end starting "Right now..." I think you meant "Krellonians off" instead of "Krellonians of"
Date: 04 Jul 2020 19:16 Title: Part 2 - Shattered: 1
Bensu is just not having a lot of fun recently. The destination makes sense. The Multiverse theory predicts that the vast majority of universes will be dead - either inimical to life or not providing a starting point for life.
Yet another Lif? Things are starting to get involved... Good cliffhanger - really looking forward to meeting this Lif.
Having read back through all of this, I'm going back to the beginning of the series.
Date: 04 Jul 2020 17:43 Title: Part 1 - Splintered: 30
And nothing like a sacrifice ploy to conclude a hopeless battle... I remember liking this scene on the first read through. I liked the commentary about space battles rarely being fast and frenetic right before a fast, frenetic space battle. Space battles are particularly difficult to write. There difficult enough to bring to the screen. For the writer, just keeping the relative orientation clear is a challenge. Here it's easy to picture where each of the centers of action are and plot it out in 3 dimensions.
Date: 04 Jul 2020 01:28 Title: Part 1 - Splintered: 27
Nothing like a prison riot for great visuals and a good escape scene. It looks like the niners are definitely earning their keep. I particularly liked the sequence with violet operating the prison controls through the wall. The quick kill of the prison administrator is another good moment - Han shot first!
Date: 04 Jul 2020 00:11 Title: Part 1 - Splintered: 26
Spellchecker chews: Pp beginning "Then for the love of God.." I think you meant "uncomplicate" instead of "uncomplicated"
Pp beginning "After I had to fake..." I think you meant "intents" instead of "intense"
Date: 03 Jul 2020 23:48 Title: Part 1 - Splintered: 25
And I recall the sort of rapproach between Lif and Garla - though I wasn't as faimiliar with their relationship. Both very well written characters - neither has the feel of a stock character.
Date: 03 Jul 2020 23:40 Title: Part 1 - Splintered: 24
I remembrer this one strongly from my first read through. Michael's reaction to his father's condition is realistic without being overstated. It's always a temptation to make a meal out of such scenes.
Date: 03 Jul 2020 18:07 Title: Part 1 - Splintered: 23
And Garla in the role of a frenemy... nice balance between the rescue and the betrayal. ANother classic "garden of forking paths" ploy and none the worse for wear.
I particularly enjoy writing speeches for my characters. It's a difficult thing to do - especially when it is deliberately formulaic political speech. It is a powerful storytelling technique - a speech can move the plot along in ways that neither action nor exhibition nor dialogue can. Alt.Garla's speech does that by conveying both current status and intent. And demonstrating that her plan has popular support.
Date: 03 Jul 2020 18:03 Title: Part 1 - Splintered: 23
Spellchecker chews: Pp beginning "Garla was followed by a man..." I think you meant "none other" instead of "nonother"
Pp beginning "Tazla pulled free her phaser..." I think you meant "bead" instead of "beat"
Date: 03 Jul 2020 17:43 Title: Part 1 - Splintered: 22
Sic semper psychoanalysts.. In scifi stories they rarely fare well. A reflection of a broadly held suspicion that most of them are just making wild guesses. Hard not to empathize with Laas' triumph. Nobody liks being psychoanalized and its worse when a telepath is involved.
Date: 03 Jul 2020 17:31 Title: Part 1 - Splintered: 21
I definitely recall this one from my first read through - spooky visions and premonitions of things to come. Scenes that take place inside the characters' mind scape are difficult to pull off. This one worked because of the visual details and the Bensu dialogue.
Date: 02 Jul 2020 17:07 Title: Part 1 - Splintered: 20
And alt-Lif is properly teased. Nice device with the holo-masks - wish I had thought of those... I'm a big nerd when it comes to alternate uses of the technology introduced in Star Trek. Also, very nice detail with the work lanes and the attitudes of the bears. And also Tazla having to do a quick think about the bears and overcome her initial inclination.
Date: 02 Jul 2020 16:38 Title: Part 1 - Splintered: 19
Nice character exploration! This is the kind of thing that "garden of forking paths" stories excell at. Glad you took the opportunity to slow down and tell this story. It's good little stories that make for a good big story.
Date: 02 Jul 2020 16:17 Title: Part 1 - Splintered: 18
I'm very much a fan of process stories - such as a rough ride through turbulant space. This one has the virtue of not only moving the story forward, but enriching it both with character development and cultural development (destruction of the freighter).
Many authors are in a hurry to just get to the next location and move the plot forward instead of giving a realistic feel to the story.
Date: 30 Jun 2020 16:31 Title: Part 1 - Splintered: 17
Nice reconciliation between Owens and Edison and good captain's dialoge from Owens. It's quite clear Jarik's leash needs some tightening..
It appears this platform is inimical to tildes, umlots, accent marks and their ilk. Jose is reliably represented as Jos?.
Author's Response: It's a good first step at reconciliation. We'll see how long it can last. As for the artifacts produced by the platform, it's actually much worse than that and the main reason why I haven't been able to action any of those typos you've identified yet. Every time I try to edit a chapter it will replace almost every non-letter character with one of those artifacts. It'll take some time and work to make any changes here but I'll certainly be more mindful of this bug on future posts.
Date: 30 Jun 2020 16:19 Title: Part 1 - Splintered: 16
Another excellent chapter. I don't recall this one - I must have skipped past it on my first read through. But it is not uncommon for me to read a story a few times.
Really nice portrait of Edison.
Author's Response: Thanks. Here we get a bit of a glimpse of what made Edison into the person he has become. They are no excuse, of course, but hopefully help explain a few things.
Date: 30 Jun 2020 14:07 Title: Part 1 - Splintered: 14
This is a particularly good chapter regarding the conversation between Lif and Tazla. Issue handled in the best Star Fleet tradition. In the U.S. Navy (at least during Vietnam when my dad served) such behavior would probably earn an Article 15 and quite possible a peer group drubbing to boot.
Author's Response: Part of this goes back to my point about relationships build over time and based on trust. I've also always resisted the notion a little bit that Starfleet is a military organization first. Although, I can certainly see how on other ships, particularly with officers less familiar with each other, or during war times, disciplinary actions would be more common in these kind of situations.
Date: 30 Jun 2020 14:04 Title: Part 1 - Splintered: 14
Spellchecker chews: the Pp beginning "Ordinarialy I would agree..." I think you meant "expecting" instead of "excepting."
Pp beginning "Understand, I am not equating..." I think you meant "reliving" instead of "relieving".
Date: 30 Jun 2020 13:20 Title: Part 1 - Splintered: 13
Yeah.. I suspect Violet was exaggerating a bit about no personnel issues on her team. But such a non-traditional group would have extreme internal and external pressure to avoid airing dirty laundry..
And Tazla's concluding sentiment is clearly unrealistically optimistic...
All the interpersonal friction is not reminiscent of the Star Fleet advertised in STNG, but it strongly resonates with my dad's stories about serving in the Navy, giving it a bit of a gritty feel which draws the reader along.
Author's Response: I'm quite fond of TNG and when I started out Star Eagle, years ago, it certainly served as the chief inspiration. As time went on, I found interpersonal conflict too tempting to ignore. I still think that TNG did something very interesting and different to established story telling norms, but Eagle needed a bit more spice.