Date: 03 Sep 2014 14:56 Title: Chapter 8 - Shots on Goal
Well that was fascinating day two of the trials and while we starting to see some of the team come together I’m glad it not all plain sailing for the selectors.
You’ve manage to make this chapter events easier to follow but I do seem surprised that Mack seem not o have thought ahead and program the holodeck with the required environments for the days challenges.
You’ve done your usual good job of giving each character an individual behaviour style and reason for there actions. Hearing how the jem’hadar bruise saw his actions was a bold but well worked choice.
I do wonder what surprise you’ve got instore for the swimming tomorrow and if mack going to have to deal with those who have a problem with water?
That poor Caitian. That's all I'll say. PS Thanks!
Date: 02 Sep 2014 16:27 Title: Chapter 7 - A Picture of Fenway
Hmm well that was clearly a baseball theme but I suspect that Mack was sticking to her area of sport knowledge for her first day.
For someone with little knowledge of Baseball it at time seemed a tad jargon heavy, but nothing that ruined the moment of the story.
I think the single question at the end of training is a clever way to get characters to open up and talk and reveal more of the candidate inner side and personality.
Still you got the pacing generally write and you managed to put another variation into the question answers to keep it interesting,
Do wonder if Marty needs to be this regular at this stage but it makes sense to have Mack talk to him for now.
Well, he's the only family she's got. She's still got to get over having been incarcerated. And thanks re the jargon. I'm trying to make it accessible.
Date: 02 Sep 2014 16:10 Title: Chapter 6 - Empathy
Well that sounds useful natural ability for a sport team doctor and Wesley should be the idea engineer for the cookie.
Good to see the bats have a place in the 24th Century medical world still.
I’m looking forward to seeing what people turn up for trials and what sport challenges that Mack throws at them.
All in all this seems to go from strength to strength keep up the good work.
Oh, thank you so much! I should post a new chapter.
Date: 03 Aug 2014 09:03 Title: Chapter 5 - Assemblage Begins
The, just don't come on to me line, was hilarious. Of course innocent little Crita doesn't get it.
I'm not a huge Wesley fan but you really made him a little more clueless than I think he deserves, especially since he's all grown now.
And see what people get from opening their mouths? From Mack to Madden to Picard to Nechayev and straight to S31. Now that's trouble I'm sure Mack doesn't need.
Yeah, Crita is just a babe in the woods. Sleeping alone is scary for someone who's used to a pack (and the convent).
Wesley will get better; he just got back from being with the Traveler. He's been out of the loop nearly as long as Mack has.
And, yeah, too much plot! Too many people. This is, I know, an issue with this storyline. But someone's gonna want that diffuser.
Date: 03 Aug 2014 06:11 Title: Chapter 5 - Assemblage Begins
So Crita got a shook from surprising Mack good thing Mack doesn't sleep with a weapon and then the experience of sleeping off the floor, I do wonder how Crita will grow on this voyage.
Interesting scene with Mack and Picard and the Crushers discussion the diffuser, clearly breaks the spirit of the treaty, so I expect we can see a Romulan and S31 agent on the Cookie before to long. Seeming Mack life is going to be very interesting before we get to any sports.
Thanks! This is the issue with the story. Dense with plot! And yeah, it was an expository breakfast. With croissants.
Yeah, Crita's very doggy, so she's used to sleeping in a pack. Sleeping alone is scary for our little innocent girl.
Date: 02 Aug 2014 18:23 Title: Chapter 4 - The MDM Twins
You gotta love replicators. And they say JC Penny is in trouble now? Just wait until those things go mainstream.
So Mack appears to have been framed and spent two decades behind bars. Nothing worse than being in prison and innocent. No wonder she doesn't want to talk about it.
Good for her she's having family in high places. Madden's little story sounded familiar and I found the deleted Nemesis scene on YouTube. Riker is a total jerk ... lol.
Yep - I have never been a Riker fan and that sort of proved it for me. Plus it was irresistible to be able to slip the aftermath of that scene into the storyline. Thank you for reading!
Date: 02 Aug 2014 14:09 Title: Chapter 4 - The MDM Twins
So that is the MDM Twins the Straight Arrow and the Black Sheep, well you did a great job introducing Marty properly and show the awkwardness of being the new X/O on Picard ship. I wonder if Riker was trying to teach him to double check information before putting it before the Captain or if it was just a bit of Riker twisted humor showing.
I like the way that you show Mack lost years by Marty having to explain some of the TNG history to her, plus her lack of processions and the satisfaction that she has with rid herself of prison issue items and replicating new item even if they all over grey and blue so far. Though displaying the physical scars on Mack you show she must have mental scars from her lost years.
Here hoping Marty and Picard can provide some minor assistance, then maybe the Cookie team can play the Titan team for a bit of payback.
Still keep up the good work, I can wait to see the boys and girls that Mack hires to make her various team and show us the sports of the Federation.
Oh, thank you! The Daranaean sports are going to be very doglike.
The Marty/Riker scene is actually a scene cut from Nemesis. Riker does this, and it just seems nasty, like he's playing a prank on some guy who doesn't know any better. Some of this is how I see Marty, as a kind of - what happened next? - storyline.
Date: 01 Aug 2014 06:54 Title: Chapter 3 - Communications
A nice little bit of background on your protagonists here. This is my first real experience with your canine race so that's certainly quite interesting. If I remember right the females in that species had very limited rights in your 22nd century based stories. Good thing things have changed, even if they could obviously improve further.
And Mack used to be in prison? Now that's a story I want to hear more about.
Yep, and thanks - yeah, the Daranaeans are sexist and their society is ... odd. Very doglike, so they live in packlike structures, that sort of things. And the women are oppressed although this is later and things are changing.
I'll post another chapter, um, later today. :)
Date: 31 Jul 2014 15:58 Title: Chapter 3 - Communications
Well this keeps getting more interesting and we starting to learn more about your three main characters, my only question is Mack going to hire male and female athletics to help her enter as many sports as she can, plus how she going to vet for Daniya?
I'm looking forward to the next instalment.
Ah, thank you. There will be a lot of people (and I know already that's an issue). Too many names! Too much detail! I'm trying to let the selection process, etc. unfold naturally but it's not easy. Plus because I want this to be a four-book series, I need some of these people.
Date: 31 Jul 2014 15:42 Title: Chapter 2 - Szish
So that is the twist with that rather useful article fitted to the cookie.
Still we've learnt a little about Mack and her team idea.
Do think this could be very interesting to see how the team come together.
Thank you again for reading. It's meant to be a very different story.
Date: 31 Jul 2014 15:30 Title: Chapter 1 - The Cookie
Nice work on getting that Beta Chapter up to the Archive it show plenty of promise plus it a gentle introduction to your new characters.
I thank you - now I just need to find some time/way to get this one cooking amidst everything else I'm trying to do these days.
Date: 22 Jul 2014 18:21 Title: Chapter 2 - Szish
That was a tough test drive. Right out of the gate and already getting shot at.
But we get to figure out what Mack's game is. It's literally playing games. Her explanation felt a little info dumpy but I guess that was hard to avoid. Plus we got a little lesson in baseball history.
It's a quirky little ideas this 24th century version of barnstorming. And with Mack the only real athlete on this fledging team, it sounds like it'll take a while to all come together.
One hell of an original story concept though.
Yeah, I'm trying to cut back on the info dumping - I agree that there's a ton of it and I should probably split these chapters a bit better. Thank you for reading. Yeah, the team will come together ....
Date: 22 Jul 2014 18:02 Title: Chapter 1 - The Cookie
Intrigued by this beginning as well as by this oddly shaped Gorn custom built starship. Or perhaps not so oddly shaped after all considering most Starfleet ships have big prominent saucers.
What exactly is Mack up to with this ship and a crew she seems to be assembling on the fly, including a woman who gives her headaches?
Well, only sometimes - at least it's controllable. Thank you for reading and reviewing. I've got to rework this chapter a little, I think.