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Reviewer: Orion Signed [Report This]
Date: 13 Dec 2012 06:10 Title: Chapter 1

AWESOME suggestions all - Thank you!!!

They will be taken to heart!


Reviewer: jespah Signed [Report This]
Date: 13 Dec 2012 02:01 Title: Chapter 9

Quite engaging - and I hope to see more of these folks. But with calmer character development, I think - so that the action can subside a bit for more conversation, to get to know these people better (which I think would keep readers such as myself from getting confused). You write an engaging story.

Keep it up.

Reviewer: jespah Signed [Report This]
Date: 13 Dec 2012 01:53 Title: Chapter 8

I think you handled this chapter very well (I don't want to get into specifics as it would be a spoiler for anyone reading the reviews before the story). But well done.

Reviewer: jespah Signed [Report This]
Date: 13 Dec 2012 01:20 Title: Chapter 6

I like that the women hold the purse strings. But again, I admit I'm a bit lost, trying to figure out the species for the Lord and his extended family.

It is a lot at once, is all I'm saying.

Reviewer: jespah Signed [Report This]
Date: 13 Dec 2012 01:14 Title: Chapter 5

Forgive me, but I'm a bit lost.

It's a little difficult for me to follow which ships belong to which species (the Tyrannus for the Gorn is a nice touch), or who is on which side. To my reading, it appears as if Yoshida and Wilkes ended up on opposite sides of the battle, and I suspect that isn't the case.

Reviewer: jespah Signed [Report This]
Date: 13 Dec 2012 01:01 Title: Chapter 4

The ending bit, where the news is mentioned, is a tad unclear. Maybe show the broadcast itself?

I liked how the helmsman reacted, and how she explained herself.

Reviewer: jespah Signed [Report This]
Date: 13 Dec 2012 00:55 Title: Chapter 3

I like Wilkes as a kind of reader surrogate - his presence helps to keep the story relatable to the reader. Interesting re the singing and the kittens - it's a very different culture.

Reviewer: jespah Signed [Report This]
Date: 13 Dec 2012 00:42 Title: Chapter 2

I like that the humans' initial champion was female, although it's rather convenient that she was skilled in fighting (e. g. what does a Kathryn Janeway do?).

A lot of exposition had to go into this chapter. The story line is a good one; not so sure about all of the expository paragraphs. I tend to tell with characters talking, perhaps someone telling a story or introducing themselves? Hard to say what's best.

Reviewer: jespah Signed [Report This]
Date: 12 Dec 2012 21:10 Title: Chapter 1

Posturing, posturing - that never goes well, particularly in a diplomatic situation. I am reminded of Khrushchev banging his shoe. Nicely written, and of course I recognize not only Chapel but the name Selek as well.

One thing I would do is perhaps linger a bit more on the descriptions of the unfamiliar species. You are throwing out a lot of new names for individuals and for species, and it can be a little difficult to keep up with who's taller, who's male, who's reptilian, etc.

Quickie technical thing - I think you're getting in trouble with em dashes (the longer) dashes, as they are throwing a character error. It's not awful but it's an easy fix; just replace them with regular old en dashes (the short hyphen kind) and reload. I do a find/replace on my own stuff for that very reason (e. g. find alt-1500, replace with -).

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