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Reviewer: Mage6 Signed [Report This]
Date: 04 Jun 2012 20:48 Title: Secretive Discoveries, Fragile Alliances

Um, how exactly would a DNA analysis in the 22nd century cause a computer to know about a starship in the 23rd century's name and location in the Delta quadrant?

And given this information, wouldn't Starfleet have prevented it from happening?

It would make much more sense for T'Pol to be studying Scotty's Transporter equations, the sensor logs from the Transporter room at the time of the accident and from that find that Arianne had been transported x number of light years away in the direction of the Delta Quadrant, with a possibility of time displacement.

T'Pol got too specific an answer with way too little data, way too quickly.

And, she should have contacted Spock, not McCoy.

You might then have a conversation about Vulcan/Human relationships between T'Pol and Spock.

Reviewer: Mage6 Signed [Report This]
Date: 04 Jun 2012 20:11 Title: Aftermath's Beginnings

I'm up to chapter 7. So far I have a couple of suggestions.

I just don't think it's possible for Archer to be young and only a few years after the end of his mission during the time of the movie. These events are at least 75 years apart.

The NX-01 would not be used as a backup to the Enterprise if it were in drydock for refit. It's simply too old, and too primitive a ship to act as a replacement for the NCC-1701 as seen in the movie. It could only house maybe a tenth of the crew.

You need to make Archer much older.

2. You need to go back and rework the dialog. It's not natural sounding dialog. Try reading the dialog aloud and see how it sounds.

3. Kirk insulting Archer would just not happen that way. Archer is a Starfleet Admiral, and while Kirk might disagree with him, I doubt he'd call him names to his face in a situation like this.

I also doubt that Archer would sideline a whole ship and crew for the actions of one crew member.

And... Kirk would have returned Porthos to Archer immediately upon returning to Earth. If I were Archer, I would expect no less, and be angry if Kirk didn't do that.

4. The Doctor usually did not wear his portable emitter in Sickbay. He transferred to it for away missions, or if he was needed on a portion of the ship not yet outfitted with a holo-emitter.

If Arianne was wearing a Starfleet uniform, the doctor would have immediately recognized it from the information stored in the ship's computer.

Also, when Paris offers her a pre-natal treatment, it would be much more natural for Arianne to mention that she has a supply of supplements in her bag, which Paris might scan and wonder why she has supplements that haven't been used in decades.

The entire scene between Archer and T'Pol is just wrong. T'Pol would never act that way towards Archer, and Archer would never act that way towards T'Pol. Watch the finale again. You'll see that they have great affection for each other at that point.

Also, there's no way T'Pol could have been pregnant with Lorian, and hid it from everyone for three years until the founding of the Federation as she served on Enterprise.

That part makes no sense.

You need to do re-watch the last few episodes of Enterprise again. You contradict them pretty badly.

I know you want to tell a specific story, but this one plays way to fast and loose with established events that it just takes one out of the story constantly to wonder how any of it could possibly be happening.

Reviewer: jespah Signed [Report This]
Date: 13 Jan 2012 09:01 Title: Founding Of A Bright Era

LnX is right. The Prime Universe Forrest dies in 2154. See: http://en.memory-alpha.org/wiki/Maxwell_Forrest and http://en.memory-alpha.org/wiki/The_Forge_(episode)



Author's Response: Yes, but there could be other Admiral Forrests or descendants.

Reviewer: Ln X Signed [Report This]
Date: 12 Jan 2012 16:06 Title: Founding Of A Bright Era

I am a bit confused here on a few things: 1. I thought admiral Forrest was dead sometime in ENT season 4.
2. Archer is alive during Kirk's time in the JJ Abrams universe.

I am rather puzzled by this, and perhaps this is part of the story, or maybe these are technical mishaps. I'm not sure... Could you please help me resolve these points?

Author's Response: Yes, I can....Admiral Forrest died in the Mirror Universe (In a Mirror, Darkly) and as lifespans are considerably longer, it is feasible he is still alive after Star Trek 2009. You need to remember that Scotty referred to 'Admiral Archer's beagle' on Delta Vega and that Admiral Archer could be Admiral Jonathan Archer. (Capt. Archer in Enterprise) I like the comments, can you get more people to review?

Reviewer: jespah Signed [Report This]
Date: 11 Jan 2012 15:43 Title: Hidden Conspiracies

First off, welcome. Your first story! Your first review! W00t! Feel free to come to the forums. I think the more people who see you, then more will be interested in reading and reviewing.

Second - a bit of advice - don't post it all at once. I coulda sworn there were only 3 chapters up this afternoon. I came home from work and suddenly there were 7.

Spool it out more slowly. I tend to play my stuff out a chapter per day, even skipping days if life intervenes. Readers need a chance to catch up and digest.

Now, onto your story!

I am a big fan of the ENT series and time frame but a few things are confusing me - it's a little unclear exactly when Arianne's disappearance happens (I know of the STIX film but have not seen it). For people like me, a year thrown in there would be helpful. Personally, what I do is, I have a character glance at a time display on a wall, or a PADD goes into sleep mode (I envision that as being somewhat analogous to a computer in screen saver mode) and the time, temperature and date skitter past. You can also set the year, or at least give the reader an idea of the year by describing Jonathan. You write about him as older, but how much older is he? White hair, a rasping voice, crow's feet - those kinds of quick descriptors could help to orient the reader as to Jonathan's age.

What I would like to see is perhaps some of the emotions expressed in dialog. Maybe, instead of Jonathan was worried about Arianne, try Jonathan said, "Arianne means the world to me I can't believe I might never see her again." Of course that's no rule; it's just an idea to mix things up a little bit. Sometimes, for the reader to be inside everyone's head can be a tad daunting.

I am guessing that T'Pol is still addicted to Trellium/the E2 T'Pol or like that, given her emotionalism. I tend to write more emotional Vulcans myself - the flat affect can be difficult to get across. A writer here who goes by Little Black Dog is very good at writing Spock with the flat affect (e. g. minimal to no emotions).

I am curious as to where you are going with this. I'd like to know what happens to these people.

An auspicious beginning!

Oh and PS - lots of folks read but don't review. It's maddening, I know. But you can check read counts by clicking "Account Info" at the top of the screen.



Author's Response: Mmm...there's a reason for the lack of it...which you will not see in this story.

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