Date: 21 Oct 2011 15:16 Title: Epilogue
That was a good story, intense action scenes, and lots of things happening. I only have two criticisms:
1. You have all these scenes with various characters and yet they pass (the scenes) by so quickly. In other words you're doing a lot of character development but compressing it into a few paragraphs. So a lot is going on, and then you're on to the next scene, which is a little disconcerting.
2. In the last scene you write from two first person POV's. This is also a little confusing, because it focuses on the character, and then switches to the other. Since the main POV was Vircona's, maybe you should have just focused on her?
Just some thoughts, but it was a great story!
Author's Response: I try to format each of these stories like a single televised episode, but with more recent a lot longer. And a lot TV shows have several different character arcs in a single episode. I see it doesn't work that way with prose writing. With that in mind, would the various character relationship and romance subplots work out better divided up among more shorter chapters or in part of their own stories? (Feel free to PM me with your thoughts on this issue in a more general context? In the case of this story, some of those subplots do fit in well with the larger story). As for the multiple first person points-of-view, it illustrates the mixed emotions both mother and son are experiencing. Asking Yanith to relocate to Bajor is again indicative of his "sending him away" like his mother had done before. He knows that is for his own good on an intellectual level, but is still resentful on the emotional level. On the other side, Vircona knows this is for her son's own good, but is again conflicted having to send him away after having come to his rescue.
Date: 16 Oct 2011 13:06 Title: Prologue
I dig this story. Really gripping, a lot is going on, space battles and all sorts. You really brought out the full nature (scale and horror) of the Dominion war and for that you should be commended. I'm on chapter 4 at that the moment, and though I'm not very familiar with the characters, I really like them, full of soul and personality...
Date: 19 Aug 2011 11:43 Title: Prologue
Its strange you mention Jack Bauer because I imagined Renee, an FBI agent from 24, as Limis.
Author's Response: See my "series bible". I actually envisioned Alberta Watson when I first started writing the character. How's that for irony?
Date: 19 Aug 2011 10:48 Title: Chapter 1
The next part of this story is going to prove to be real interesting. Keep it coming!
Author's Response: Thanks for your comment. Limis Vircona is very Jack Bauer-like in this regard. If she cannot get to the lab where her son is being examined, why not get to the man in charge of the lab?